It's been a few days since I last posted on this blog. The truth is that in the last few weeks I have have not been feeling brilliant. My mental wellbeing at the moment is going up and down and many morning I'm struggling to get out of bed. The last few days I've arrived at work late, partly because I've not been able to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. I'm waking up feeling knackered, I'm struggling to get to sleep because I'm thinking about things that happen some time ago in my head
Recently thinking about an incident that took place at work two and an half years ago. It happened at my previous employer who I left 18 months ago. I've been going over a breakdown in a relationship that occurred there and trying to resolve what took place during that relationship, what were my action that contributed to the breakdown, because I'm somewhat petrified that I may have made mistakes that I will just repeating themselves again and again and again.
In the logical part of my head I knew that I will never be able to resolve logically what happened and probably won't find the answers that I'm looking for. This means I live in a source of constant anxiety that it could go wrong again.
When my anxiety gets really bad as it has done this week I struggle to make a decision. I make decisions then I change them very quickly and end up and not making decisions. Yesterday at work I went out for lunch, first I was heading to a shop then I change my mind and was heading to another shop. I've got to that shop and was parking and then found that I was quite anxious about getting out the car at that shop so ended up turning around and driving somewhere else. I probably was driving around for half an hour.
Later I needed to go out and get some toilet paper from the supermarket. This took almost 2 hours because where usually I have no problem walking into any supermarket, last night I was very anxious about which supermarket I visit. I started driving towards a supermarket in Bury then decided I wasn't going to go there was going to one in Oldham. So I'm driving for about 25 minutes to get to the supermarket in Oldham where as I was pulling to the car park I suddenly became scared about getting out my car at the supermarket and immediately heading towards another supermarket in Whitefield about half an hour down the motorway. It was like I was unable to make a decision I was just anxious about every little aspects but I don't know why.
It's similar to getting up in the morning. My alarm goes off at about 6:10 and the radio comes on. I immediately turn off the radio, when I'm not feeling great I struggle sometimes to listen to music I'd rather sit in silence with no distractions to effect my thought. I just sit there, feeling knackered and thinking about whether I should get up, but not being able to make that decision.
Eventually I get up, go to work. When I get in. I feel I don't really care about anything at the moment. I just lack any energy sure what I'm doing. I can't put the mask on, everybody as a mask. At time mine is appear very self confidence and assert, no , my mask is not to appear as anxious as I am, and to appear competent. I'm probably very negative at this time and making negative comments which upset people. I'm probably also very very sure with people can't really do with anything other than direct answers / responses (which the irony is I probably struggle to keep direct answers / responses at this time)
When I'm down I walked if I walk differently, I walk lacking confidence and I'm sure people can tell this.
When I was driving and I start to think about all the things I've got to do at the moment it seems like I have an infinite amount demands on my time and I can't really decide what I need to do so in many cases I just do nothing. I do question myself whether this is all down to me just being a lazy person. Maybe I am. Part of me thinks that someone who works two jobs and then is a trustee of the charity and is very dedicated to all those roles isn't lazy, but maybe I am.
To conclude at the moment I don't feel great. Next week I'm 29 (it my birthday). Right now I don't feel like celebrating anything, if I'm truthfully honest, it's bringing home that in twelve month time I'll be 30 and my 20s will pass by and I haven't achieved what I want to do within my life and I'm just feeling somewhat depressed about it. My career as probably gone okay but the other things in my life haven't, my lack of self confidence has probably affected affected my ability to do anything about it. Just really crap time really
Tuesday, 4 November 2014
The anxieties that go with working in a office..... my story
Like a lots of people I work in an office, and this probably provides most of my daily anxieties. I have two jobs, in one of the jobs, I never visit the office now (I have been twice in six months, when their were team meetings on) because I'm quite anxious about using that office. There was a day that I turned up late (due to a meeting elsewhere) got to outside the office and couldn't bring myself to go in, so turned around and went to work at home which I've been doing constantly since.
In the other job I do work in the office and sometimes brings mix blessing. It's great to work with the support team, has not always worked in an office with supportive colleagues. My colleagues all have some experience of mental health and are very understanding, to be honest I've not found such a supportive environment to supporting collages with mental health issues in other organisation I've work for. including the mental health organisations I've worked with.
The issue comes that our office is based in a bigger office. This means several points during her day I have walk through a bigger office, with people I don't know that well and they don't know me that well either, which causes me anxieties. I have worked in that building for worked in a building for a year now and it still causes me similar anxiety issues that it did a year ago today when I started.
I find it very difficult to engage in any sort of conversation with people I don't know that well, my social anxiety is that I struggle to speak to random people (strangers). Somehow I break down the barriers with people and then become more comfortable, but this takes a process which I don't really understand. I just know sometimes I come in and feel comfortable with people and can speak with them, but otherwise I feel anxious.
The biggest problem is that I don't know what the process is, so I don't know what I could do differently with other people to replicate the process.
Back to the office situation, as I said our office is sandwiched between two other offices which I usually have to walk in at some point during the day. I've never really been able to break down the barriers with anybody who works within those offices so I don't speak to the people in those offices. Despite having works for the organisation for a year, their are probably people I've spoken less than an 100 words too.
I get the feeling that I'm the least response personally who works within the office, so when I walk through the office people look at me different to other people. I think they think I'm quite strange because I don't speak with anybody, I just sometimes struggle to let on, say hi to people. In reality, it hell, I feel so awkward doing so that I want to go and hide, and mentally beat myself up.
I don't know whether this is because of fear of rejection, I've considered whether that's the reason but I don't know. I just can't put into words how I feel when I'm put in those situations.
As a result I now feel awkward when I walk through that office. I get the perception that people get the feeling I'm a strange loner (but they might not do) and equally feels as uncomfortable about me walking through the office as I do when I walk through the office. Because of it I would try and avoid walking through the main office during the day, I try to avoid having drinks which would require a walk to the kitchen or using the toilet at the other side of the office, I'd rather use my safe space.
The second office is where the printer that our office use is located. I occasionally have to walk into the office and pick up printing. Again if there is a lot of people in the office, my anxiety increases about walking into the office (but due to the working pattern of the people who work there it's often empty). The office that I work in as a window that looks into this office, and they look onto our office. Because when I was sitting in the office I was the facing this window, so this meant until recently I was facing people who works in this office who I never really spoke with. This was very strange for me and must have been strange for them to. Because of this one and sometimes was looking up and straight into their office.
I would often glance into their office to see what they were doing, but feel very awkward about doing it. I didn't want the people in the office think I'm some sort of person who watches over people. I often joke to colleagues that we should put blinds on the Windows or something else to cover them, so that I wasn't looking into another team's office, it just made me feel awkward and I was worried that people thinking I was strange if they spotted me glancing into their office (or worse).
Anyway this stops a few months ago because the team that was locate in the office facing me move the desk to another part of their office that was not within my site, I never asked why they did that, it may have been because of me, I hope it wasn't. It does leave a slight awkwardness that my social anxiety may have affected other people.
The final way that working in this office affect me, is there are some slight issues within the wider office, you get these in a larger office. Because I'm the more isolated member of the office, the one that keeps themselves to themselves. I have a fear that one day I'll come in and because I'm seem to be strange I will be accused of doing something I've not done simply because people don't understand me. I actually have a fear that people think I've doing something of me that I not, simply because I struggle to communicate in a normal way way.
In the other job I do work in the office and sometimes brings mix blessing. It's great to work with the support team, has not always worked in an office with supportive colleagues. My colleagues all have some experience of mental health and are very understanding, to be honest I've not found such a supportive environment to supporting collages with mental health issues in other organisation I've work for. including the mental health organisations I've worked with.
The issue comes that our office is based in a bigger office. This means several points during her day I have walk through a bigger office, with people I don't know that well and they don't know me that well either, which causes me anxieties. I have worked in that building for worked in a building for a year now and it still causes me similar anxiety issues that it did a year ago today when I started.
I find it very difficult to engage in any sort of conversation with people I don't know that well, my social anxiety is that I struggle to speak to random people (strangers). Somehow I break down the barriers with people and then become more comfortable, but this takes a process which I don't really understand. I just know sometimes I come in and feel comfortable with people and can speak with them, but otherwise I feel anxious.
The biggest problem is that I don't know what the process is, so I don't know what I could do differently with other people to replicate the process.
Back to the office situation, as I said our office is sandwiched between two other offices which I usually have to walk in at some point during the day. I've never really been able to break down the barriers with anybody who works within those offices so I don't speak to the people in those offices. Despite having works for the organisation for a year, their are probably people I've spoken less than an 100 words too.
I get the feeling that I'm the least response personally who works within the office, so when I walk through the office people look at me different to other people. I think they think I'm quite strange because I don't speak with anybody, I just sometimes struggle to let on, say hi to people. In reality, it hell, I feel so awkward doing so that I want to go and hide, and mentally beat myself up.
I don't know whether this is because of fear of rejection, I've considered whether that's the reason but I don't know. I just can't put into words how I feel when I'm put in those situations.
As a result I now feel awkward when I walk through that office. I get the perception that people get the feeling I'm a strange loner (but they might not do) and equally feels as uncomfortable about me walking through the office as I do when I walk through the office. Because of it I would try and avoid walking through the main office during the day, I try to avoid having drinks which would require a walk to the kitchen or using the toilet at the other side of the office, I'd rather use my safe space.
The second office is where the printer that our office use is located. I occasionally have to walk into the office and pick up printing. Again if there is a lot of people in the office, my anxiety increases about walking into the office (but due to the working pattern of the people who work there it's often empty). The office that I work in as a window that looks into this office, and they look onto our office. Because when I was sitting in the office I was the facing this window, so this meant until recently I was facing people who works in this office who I never really spoke with. This was very strange for me and must have been strange for them to. Because of this one and sometimes was looking up and straight into their office.
I would often glance into their office to see what they were doing, but feel very awkward about doing it. I didn't want the people in the office think I'm some sort of person who watches over people. I often joke to colleagues that we should put blinds on the Windows or something else to cover them, so that I wasn't looking into another team's office, it just made me feel awkward and I was worried that people thinking I was strange if they spotted me glancing into their office (or worse).
Anyway this stops a few months ago because the team that was locate in the office facing me move the desk to another part of their office that was not within my site, I never asked why they did that, it may have been because of me, I hope it wasn't. It does leave a slight awkwardness that my social anxiety may have affected other people.
The final way that working in this office affect me, is there are some slight issues within the wider office, you get these in a larger office. Because I'm the more isolated member of the office, the one that keeps themselves to themselves. I have a fear that one day I'll come in and because I'm seem to be strange I will be accused of doing something I've not done simply because people don't understand me. I actually have a fear that people think I've doing something of me that I not, simply because I struggle to communicate in a normal way way.
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