It's been a few days since I last posted on this blog. The truth is that in the last few weeks I have have not been feeling brilliant. My mental wellbeing at the moment is going up and down and many morning I'm struggling to get out of bed. The last few days I've arrived at work late, partly because I've not been able to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. I'm waking up feeling knackered, I'm struggling to get to sleep because I'm thinking about things that happen some time ago in my head
Recently thinking about an incident that took place at work two and an half years ago. It happened at my previous employer who I left 18 months ago. I've been going over a breakdown in a relationship that occurred there and trying to resolve what took place during that relationship, what were my action that contributed to the breakdown, because I'm somewhat petrified that I may have made mistakes that I will just repeating themselves again and again and again.
In the logical part of my head I knew that I will never be able to resolve logically what happened and probably won't find the answers that I'm looking for. This means I live in a source of constant anxiety that it could go wrong again.
When my anxiety gets really bad as it has done this week I struggle to make a decision. I make decisions then I change them very quickly and end up and not making decisions. Yesterday at work I went out for lunch, first I was heading to a shop then I change my mind and was heading to another shop. I've got to that shop and was parking and then found that I was quite anxious about getting out the car at that shop so ended up turning around and driving somewhere else. I probably was driving around for half an hour.
Later I needed to go out and get some toilet paper from the supermarket. This took almost 2 hours because where usually I have no problem walking into any supermarket, last night I was very anxious about which supermarket I visit. I started driving towards a supermarket in Bury then decided I wasn't going to go there was going to one in Oldham. So I'm driving for about 25 minutes to get to the supermarket in Oldham where as I was pulling to the car park I suddenly became scared about getting out my car at the supermarket and immediately heading towards another supermarket in Whitefield about half an hour down the motorway. It was like I was unable to make a decision I was just anxious about every little aspects but I don't know why.
It's similar to getting up in the morning. My alarm goes off at about 6:10 and the radio comes on. I immediately turn off the radio, when I'm not feeling great I struggle sometimes to listen to music I'd rather sit in silence with no distractions to effect my thought. I just sit there, feeling knackered and thinking about whether I should get up, but not being able to make that decision.
Eventually I get up, go to work. When I get in. I feel I don't really care about anything at the moment. I just lack any energy sure what I'm doing. I can't put the mask on, everybody as a mask. At time mine is appear very self confidence and assert, no , my mask is not to appear as anxious as I am, and to appear competent. I'm probably very negative at this time and making negative comments which upset people. I'm probably also very very sure with people can't really do with anything other than direct answers / responses (which the irony is I probably struggle to keep direct answers / responses at this time)
When I'm down I walked if I walk differently, I walk lacking confidence and I'm sure people can tell this.
When I was driving and I start to think about all the things I've got to do at the moment it seems like I have an infinite amount demands on my time and I can't really decide what I need to do so in many cases I just do nothing. I do question myself whether this is all down to me just being a lazy person. Maybe I am. Part of me thinks that someone who works two jobs and then is a trustee of the charity and is very dedicated to all those roles isn't lazy, but maybe I am.
To conclude at the moment I don't feel great. Next week I'm 29 (it my birthday). Right now I don't feel like celebrating anything, if I'm truthfully honest, it's bringing home that in twelve month time I'll be 30 and my 20s will pass by and I haven't achieved what I want to do within my life and I'm just feeling somewhat depressed about it. My career as probably gone okay but the other things in my life haven't, my lack of self confidence has probably affected affected my ability to do anything about it. Just really crap time really
Tuesday, 4 November 2014
The anxieties that go with working in a office..... my story
Like a lots of people I work in an office, and this probably provides most of my daily anxieties. I have two jobs, in one of the jobs, I never visit the office now (I have been twice in six months, when their were team meetings on) because I'm quite anxious about using that office. There was a day that I turned up late (due to a meeting elsewhere) got to outside the office and couldn't bring myself to go in, so turned around and went to work at home which I've been doing constantly since.
In the other job I do work in the office and sometimes brings mix blessing. It's great to work with the support team, has not always worked in an office with supportive colleagues. My colleagues all have some experience of mental health and are very understanding, to be honest I've not found such a supportive environment to supporting collages with mental health issues in other organisation I've work for. including the mental health organisations I've worked with.
The issue comes that our office is based in a bigger office. This means several points during her day I have walk through a bigger office, with people I don't know that well and they don't know me that well either, which causes me anxieties. I have worked in that building for worked in a building for a year now and it still causes me similar anxiety issues that it did a year ago today when I started.
I find it very difficult to engage in any sort of conversation with people I don't know that well, my social anxiety is that I struggle to speak to random people (strangers). Somehow I break down the barriers with people and then become more comfortable, but this takes a process which I don't really understand. I just know sometimes I come in and feel comfortable with people and can speak with them, but otherwise I feel anxious.
The biggest problem is that I don't know what the process is, so I don't know what I could do differently with other people to replicate the process.
Back to the office situation, as I said our office is sandwiched between two other offices which I usually have to walk in at some point during the day. I've never really been able to break down the barriers with anybody who works within those offices so I don't speak to the people in those offices. Despite having works for the organisation for a year, their are probably people I've spoken less than an 100 words too.
I get the feeling that I'm the least response personally who works within the office, so when I walk through the office people look at me different to other people. I think they think I'm quite strange because I don't speak with anybody, I just sometimes struggle to let on, say hi to people. In reality, it hell, I feel so awkward doing so that I want to go and hide, and mentally beat myself up.
I don't know whether this is because of fear of rejection, I've considered whether that's the reason but I don't know. I just can't put into words how I feel when I'm put in those situations.
As a result I now feel awkward when I walk through that office. I get the perception that people get the feeling I'm a strange loner (but they might not do) and equally feels as uncomfortable about me walking through the office as I do when I walk through the office. Because of it I would try and avoid walking through the main office during the day, I try to avoid having drinks which would require a walk to the kitchen or using the toilet at the other side of the office, I'd rather use my safe space.
The second office is where the printer that our office use is located. I occasionally have to walk into the office and pick up printing. Again if there is a lot of people in the office, my anxiety increases about walking into the office (but due to the working pattern of the people who work there it's often empty). The office that I work in as a window that looks into this office, and they look onto our office. Because when I was sitting in the office I was the facing this window, so this meant until recently I was facing people who works in this office who I never really spoke with. This was very strange for me and must have been strange for them to. Because of this one and sometimes was looking up and straight into their office.
I would often glance into their office to see what they were doing, but feel very awkward about doing it. I didn't want the people in the office think I'm some sort of person who watches over people. I often joke to colleagues that we should put blinds on the Windows or something else to cover them, so that I wasn't looking into another team's office, it just made me feel awkward and I was worried that people thinking I was strange if they spotted me glancing into their office (or worse).
Anyway this stops a few months ago because the team that was locate in the office facing me move the desk to another part of their office that was not within my site, I never asked why they did that, it may have been because of me, I hope it wasn't. It does leave a slight awkwardness that my social anxiety may have affected other people.
The final way that working in this office affect me, is there are some slight issues within the wider office, you get these in a larger office. Because I'm the more isolated member of the office, the one that keeps themselves to themselves. I have a fear that one day I'll come in and because I'm seem to be strange I will be accused of doing something I've not done simply because people don't understand me. I actually have a fear that people think I've doing something of me that I not, simply because I struggle to communicate in a normal way way.
In the other job I do work in the office and sometimes brings mix blessing. It's great to work with the support team, has not always worked in an office with supportive colleagues. My colleagues all have some experience of mental health and are very understanding, to be honest I've not found such a supportive environment to supporting collages with mental health issues in other organisation I've work for. including the mental health organisations I've worked with.
The issue comes that our office is based in a bigger office. This means several points during her day I have walk through a bigger office, with people I don't know that well and they don't know me that well either, which causes me anxieties. I have worked in that building for worked in a building for a year now and it still causes me similar anxiety issues that it did a year ago today when I started.
I find it very difficult to engage in any sort of conversation with people I don't know that well, my social anxiety is that I struggle to speak to random people (strangers). Somehow I break down the barriers with people and then become more comfortable, but this takes a process which I don't really understand. I just know sometimes I come in and feel comfortable with people and can speak with them, but otherwise I feel anxious.
The biggest problem is that I don't know what the process is, so I don't know what I could do differently with other people to replicate the process.
Back to the office situation, as I said our office is sandwiched between two other offices which I usually have to walk in at some point during the day. I've never really been able to break down the barriers with anybody who works within those offices so I don't speak to the people in those offices. Despite having works for the organisation for a year, their are probably people I've spoken less than an 100 words too.
I get the feeling that I'm the least response personally who works within the office, so when I walk through the office people look at me different to other people. I think they think I'm quite strange because I don't speak with anybody, I just sometimes struggle to let on, say hi to people. In reality, it hell, I feel so awkward doing so that I want to go and hide, and mentally beat myself up.
I don't know whether this is because of fear of rejection, I've considered whether that's the reason but I don't know. I just can't put into words how I feel when I'm put in those situations.
As a result I now feel awkward when I walk through that office. I get the perception that people get the feeling I'm a strange loner (but they might not do) and equally feels as uncomfortable about me walking through the office as I do when I walk through the office. Because of it I would try and avoid walking through the main office during the day, I try to avoid having drinks which would require a walk to the kitchen or using the toilet at the other side of the office, I'd rather use my safe space.
The second office is where the printer that our office use is located. I occasionally have to walk into the office and pick up printing. Again if there is a lot of people in the office, my anxiety increases about walking into the office (but due to the working pattern of the people who work there it's often empty). The office that I work in as a window that looks into this office, and they look onto our office. Because when I was sitting in the office I was the facing this window, so this meant until recently I was facing people who works in this office who I never really spoke with. This was very strange for me and must have been strange for them to. Because of this one and sometimes was looking up and straight into their office.
I would often glance into their office to see what they were doing, but feel very awkward about doing it. I didn't want the people in the office think I'm some sort of person who watches over people. I often joke to colleagues that we should put blinds on the Windows or something else to cover them, so that I wasn't looking into another team's office, it just made me feel awkward and I was worried that people thinking I was strange if they spotted me glancing into their office (or worse).
Anyway this stops a few months ago because the team that was locate in the office facing me move the desk to another part of their office that was not within my site, I never asked why they did that, it may have been because of me, I hope it wasn't. It does leave a slight awkwardness that my social anxiety may have affected other people.
The final way that working in this office affect me, is there are some slight issues within the wider office, you get these in a larger office. Because I'm the more isolated member of the office, the one that keeps themselves to themselves. I have a fear that one day I'll come in and because I'm seem to be strange I will be accused of doing something I've not done simply because people don't understand me. I actually have a fear that people think I've doing something of me that I not, simply because I struggle to communicate in a normal way way.
Monday, 20 October 2014
Why Now
Some people have asked me why I've started to write this
blog. Is it because I'm feeling unwell? The truth is this has been something
I've been considering doing for a number of months (possibly even in the form
of the video blog). I often hear about the people who take leadership in
reducing stigma around mental health, and increase understanding, and I've
often wanted to take some leadership myself to share my experiences more.
So far, I've not been
able to communicate my experiences of mental health verbally to people, and
it's not for want of trying (the words don't come out, I'd just usually say
OK). I have therefore decided to try recording them on this anomalous blog, to
share my experiences so that people have a better understanding of who I am and
what I experience. I'm happy for people to ask me questions based on what I say
within this blog.
I understand that I fall within the group don't talk about
their feelings, men of working age. The only way we can change that is if
people are prepared to take leadership in sharing their experiences. That's
what I'm doing.
I therefore want to enforce that this isn't an knee-jerk
reaction to feeling distressed, this is something I've wanted to do for a while
and I'm now starting the process of communicating about how I feel further.
I'm thankful for the feedback I've received from people, from
family members and people afar. I want to reassure my closes family members
that they can ask me about the contents of the blog. I also want to reassure
people that this isn't a call for help. I know that I need to carry out some
more counselling and do plan to arrange that shortly (I will go private because
whilst I know we have a very good Mind association that provides counselling
locally) the counselling service provided as part of IAPT service wouldn't meet
my needs.
This is something I want to do. I hope you can learn
something about me through me writing this blog and maybe I can develop the
confidence to speak about my feelings verbally.
Thanks for the feedback so far it's been greatly appreciated.
Back to Work
Today I've gone back to work after taking a few days off
last week to recoup from my difficult period. Things didn't start well, I got
up late. It appears that if you've got your alarm clock plugged in, you need to
make sure if the switch for power is actually on (I didn't last night). To be
honest I was tossing and turning to around 2am anyway. I probably would have
struggled to get up at full fitness at 6am anyway. I arrived at work an hour
late.
If I have an addiction, and I probably have quite a few. I'm
addicted to checking my work emails. I can do it multiple times a day even at
weekends. I suppose this actions doesn't help me switch off. I decided
therefore that when I went off on Wednesday that I would not check my work
emails until I was back in work. This has been somewhat difficult however
probably is a necessary part of my recovery.
This allowed me to ease back into work by checking my emails,
and doing a to-do list of all the tasks I'm still required to do.
In work today, I was running a meeting in the afternoon, so
the morning was spent preparing for this meeting getting back up to speed on
the afternoon would be the meeting. It was during the meeting that I realised
that I perhaps wasn't at an 100% yet. The meeting required me to do a lot of
speaking, and because of my anxieties over previous meetings I wasn't
completely self-confident. People who attended the meeting will notice that at
times I was stuttering. This is something I can do at times when I'm not
feeling hundred percent, I can confuse myself while saying a sentence (which can
confuse others). In some ways I wish I could have taken a backseat within
today's meeting however it wasn't possible.
Perhaps if I'd been feeling at my optimal wellbeing it would
have gone better. Perhaps it wouldn't have done. I hope we achieved what we
needed to within the meeting, even if I looks like I lacked focused, which I
did.
Anyway I'm feeling better than I did last week and ready to
move on to life's next challenges, however I am conscious at this point I'm not
in the stage where can I hold an hundred thoughts (which perhaps I never can
which is why often go on a cycle of feeling well then not feeling so well). Saying
this doesn't remove the guilt I'm currently feeling that I'm not able to do as
much as I was able to do a few weeks ago (and should be able to do in a few
weeks time). I suppose that's one of the things with my distress is that
compounds my distress. When I'm feeling low, I often can feel guilty for not
being as productive as I can be, because I'm feeling low which makes me feel
even lower.
When your body is Morrisons, but your mind is anywhere but
As you may have read from previous post, I struggle to
sometimes put things in boxes. When I feel things don't go well they resonate
within my mind. I go over them over and over again, trying to work out what I
could do differently. I often can't see the positives for the negatives.
This happened recently with the event that hadn't gone so
well. Two days after the event I was doing my weekend shopping in Morrisons (other
supermarkets are available, however I would suggest avoiding Tesco's). During
the then I had been going over the event two days before, not constantly put it
kept dropping back into my mind). I was thinking about the event as I went
shopping (I was kind of hoping the shopping would distract me). However I kept
coming over in coming back to the event, I couldn't stop going over what I
would change.
Whilst I was shopping I heard somebody calling my name, I
got the impression that they'd been calling it for a while, it turned out to be
one of the volunteers at RBUF ( the charity I at as Chair for). I think it's
great that we have been able to develop such a wonderful community within the
charity is sometimes just interesting that I can be sometimes too anxious to
take part in the peer support we've developed)
When the volunteer was saying Hi to me in Morrison I was not
within the supermarket (I was physically but within my mind I was somewhere
completely different) I'd somewhat zoned out part of me from the activity I was
doing was going back to the issues causing me distress. This isn't the only
time I've zoned out, I suppose my recent car accident was a result of me zoning
out for a time whilst at the traffic lights to focus a little more on the
issues causing me distress.
One of the issues I personally out of my mental health is
that I can't switch off. If I feel I've let people down it haunt me for week. I can appear to be quite well whilst this is
going on, taking part in normal activities (such as shopping in Morrision) but
within my mind it's somewhere different. This is one of the things with mental
health nobody can see when you're not well (where you can see if somebody's got
a physical injury)
Did that meeting go well?
As much as possible, I am not going to discuss what takes place
within my job roles. I'm bound by confidentiality, and it would be unfair to
people I work with to discuss them within this blog. I will talk about some
generic stuff that links to my anxiety.
Earlier this week I had a meeting in
London. This followed the event where things didn't go so well, and which I
hold myself responsible for the failure. Following this event, I lost
some of my concentration, I struggled to sleep, the event was resonating in my
head. If I'm truthful, I put so much of my soul and energy into the event, that
following it not going so well I was totally exhausted.
However as they say, life must go on. On
Wednesday, I took part in a meeting with colleagues. I had to leave early, and
struggled to get to sleep the night before, things resonating in my mind. I
arrived not in a great state. One of the corridors to the office I usually use
was blocked, so I had to walk through an unfamiliar office, with unfamiliar
people in it. This caused some immediate stress, as I had thoughts racing
through my head that everyone who was in the office I walk through was watching
me and questioning who I was (but they probably were not).
I sat in the office, before walking to a
meeting room on the other side of the office. At the start of the meeting I was
not feeling great, I was feeling anxious, and I was questioning whether I could
contribute to this meeting. Once I got into the meeting room, as the meeting
was starting I was really questioning my ability to contribute. However
something flipped. In my mind I told myself that this was an important meeting
and I needed to be able to contribute, so I got myself into a place where I was
able to interject into the meeting (make my points). Whilst the meeting
progressed I started to feel good and forget about my worries briefly. However
things changed towards lunch. The meeting broke up for a lunch break and I
returned to the office to look for some information.
I was also hoping to get a drink during the lunch break. I
didn't though. As I walked past the kitchen, I was able to see in that the kitchen
was half full (it had about 10 people in it). Because of my anxieties I was too
anxious to walk into the kitchen to get a glass and some water, so I simply
return to the meeting room. When my anxieties are higher (during times of
depression) I can struggle with walking into situations with a number of people
in cross proximity.
I return to the meeting room and carried on the meeting. After
the meeting finished, I went back to the office and started to think about the
meeting. This is when I started to question how I performed in the meeting. Was
I to aggressive, were people really pissed off with me, did I speak too much. Because
I've been off work since this meeting I've not had an opportunity to speak to
the people within the meeting to get their viewpoints on how it went.
As a write this, I'm not sure how the meeting went, because
I'm not feeling great I could have been aggressive when I was trying to be
assertive, this is common for people with anxiety issues. Worse still I've seen
a TV programme says that someone fulfils the aggressive person within each
team, and my the aggressive person within my team (I'd hate to think I was).
The meeting may have gone well, I'm not sure until I speak
about it. However I did reflect on the meeting on my journey home, then lying
in bed, the following day and the day after that.
I really worry that I offend people (which sometimes people
with Asperger's can do, unwittingly) because the last thing I want to do is
ever upset people, but I'm so fearful most of the time that I've unwittingly
done so.
Thursday, 16 October 2014
This train doesn't have any row of seat space. I'll get off this train and wait for the next one
Recently, I've taken some decision that I don't know why, which I feel I've taken because I've not had a clear mind. Two weeks ago I was travelling back from Birmingham after an event which hadn't gone so well. I decided to take the train from Birmingham to Liverpool, switching at Crewe to the London to Manchester train. Part of the reason for doing this is that the train that goes directly from Birmingham to Manchester is usually standing room only. However even if there was a seat available next to an existing passenger I would struggle to sit next to them because I lack the self-confidence to do so.
So I got the train to Liverpool, where was able to get a seat. This train journey lasted about 50 minutes. And I was into Crewe at about 5.00pm. This train journey followed an event in Birmingham had gone off course and it turned into a disaster towards the end (A disaster I was largely responsible for). Even at this very early stage of depression, I could tell things were going round in my mind that I couldn't focus solely on the task in hand. I was starting to see that I wasn't thinking in a logical sense.
Back to the train journey, I waited at Crewe for the train to Manchester I waited for about 15 minutes (the usually time) but had pop to the shop for a snake and drink (ending my diet effectively). The train from London arrived, and I boarded the train to try and get my favourite seat on the Virgin Pendolina (seat 37 & 38 in carriage D). No seats were available, well plenty of seats were free, but no rows were available. As a result, as quickly as I boarded the train I got off the train again and waited for the next train half an hour away. One of staff members at the station remarked on this, but I just ignored them because it kind of made me feel as stupid as I should've felt at this time. Before the train pulled away I knew it made a stupid decision, I was going to have to spend another half an hour at a train station and get on way to simple because there wasn't a row of seats available next to each other. When I was on the train though it seems like the only clear decision to be made.
So I ended up getting on the train half an hour later, feeling more stupid than I did before, and feeling somewhat more the failure on a day when I didn't need to feel anymore of a failure than I already did.
The same thing happened again yesterday. When leaving London I went straight for the train, found there wasn't a row of seat together and got off the train waited for the boarding of the next train (partly possible because virgin didn't have a barrier control at the platform yesterday). I got after 5.00pm train, went for a drink and donut at the station (another great example of me keeping to my diet) and boarded for 5.20pm at boarding. That train didn't have any reservations on it on it, so it caused some anxiety whilst waiting for the train to see if I could sit in the seat I had sat in. Not sure what I would have done if somebody said that reserve the seats I was sitting in.
When I got a station another decision almost caused me to freeze. I usually park my car in the station car park, and would pay for my ticket at the stations entrance before returning to my car. I was that these ticket machines had queue so I decided to use the machines by the lifts in the car park. However when I got that machine it wouldn't take credit cards, only cash. What to do next? I wasn't sure if if you could pay by card at the barriers, I know it used to be an option but I'm not sure if that change. I decided that I would I would try and pay at the barrier, however on the drive down to the barrier I became I became unsure. I also saw there was a queue for the ticket barrier, as one of the barriers was out of action. I Stastny can really panicky quite quickly what happens if I couldn't pay by card at the barriers. So I decided Palinte whisper parking space near the barriers and wait until the queue had cleared. The queue didn't clear for another 15 minutes, in which I start almost frozen in my car watching cars come down and join the queue. I was struggling to make a decision on what to do next, walk back to the station and pay for the ticket or try to pay at the barrier with a card. I was anxious about walking back to the station because I thought everyone would be watching me having drove to the bottom of the car park, walk back up to pay for the ticket. I also didn't want to be surrounded by anybody when I did try and pay for the ticket at the barrier in case it didn't work, as they would see me as a bit of a failure who was holding their evenings up. So I sat they're frozen in my car for 15 minutes.
When the traffic to die down and I decided to see if I could pay at the barrier, when I spotted there was actually a pay station not 20 meters from where I was sitting. An option to escape had emerged. In the end I went and paid up backpay station I went and paid at the pay station and left the car park, but by then it was completely empty, the traffic had left.
If I haven't got so much going on in my mind I probably would've walked back to the station as soon as I realised I couldn't pay by the lifts, but because of the way I was thinking I just made a terrible decision and felt somewhat silly, and a failure afterwards.
Suicidal or not Suicidal
Am I Sucidal?
Do I want to kill myself? Probably Not
Do I ever think about killing myself? Yes
I've decided to write about ending my life, because its something people don't seem to ever discuss. Its the dark side of Mental Health. As I mentioned in a earlier post, at the moment I'm feeling depressed, and during these period I give some consideration to ending my life.
Yesterday, I was in London for a meeting. I'm not sure how the meeting went, it will be something I refer to in a later post. Following the meeting, I didn't leave work immediately, I sad in a office to write some emails, not feeling great about myself. Their were other people in the office but little conversation took place. When it did I wasn't included within the conversation. Nobody chatted to me, and I didn't feel in a place to interrupt other people conversations so I ended up feeling rather isolated. At this point, knowing that my journey back home included using London Underground, I gave some through about whether I would take up the opportunity that presented itself on my journey home and end my life on the underground. Now I wasn't giving serious consideration to ending my life, but I was considering about how it could be done.
Later on, on the escalators up to Euston Station from the underground (which was packed and made me feel a little unnerved) I started to think about how I could kill myself at home. I knew I was off today, and nobody else would be at home from 7am to 9pm, so it would give me enough time to.... not be caught. I was thinking how I'd need to sort out the work stuff I have at home (I have three laptop I don't own, one of each job and a third for a charity I'm the Chair of). I would need to sort them into pile and leave contact details so my family could contact the required people they would need to (My two bosses, the CEO of the charity I chair, and the company secretary of the charity).
To be honest, If I died sudden I'm not sure any of my family would know who to contact. I think they barely know the names of the employers I work for, much less the name of the charity I'm the chair off (and have been involved in for over eight years). Maybe I don't speak about my life enough to then, but they don't really seem interested.
Anyway, back to suicidal thoughts, as I entered the concourse of Euston Station (which at the moment feel quite dark because of the new balcony they are building...... for a station they are plans to completely rebuild in the next 20 years..... why) I started to think about the effect on my family, and (as usually when I think through this) became really upset when I thought how they would feel after I taken my life and decided it was time to think about something else.
Thoughts about how I would end my life is something is something I give some consideration too often, especially when I'm feeling down. I never talked to anyone about feeling this way, and nobody ever told me they feel this way, so I believe this isn't a normal thought pattern for normal people, whoever they are.
Over the year I've considered many ways of ending one life, from hitting my head / drowning on a canal lock, suffocating myself at home, slitting my wrist/ neck (my less preferred options), jumping off various motorway bridges (including once giving it major consideration on Christmas Eve at 3am, whilst driving around on empty roads, fortunately that time one of the reason keeping me from doing anything was the fact I'd wrapped presents for family members but not put labels on them).
The closes I ever came to suicide was after an event in London. It was around two year ago and I was working for my previous employer. I was attending the launch of a Peer Support report. The venue was close to Farringdon station in London (which at the time was being renovated ahead of Crossrail arriving their). I had just returned to work.... after being bullied at work (well I now believe I was bullied). My self confidence was rather low at this time because of the bullying behaviour of my then line manager. The first part of the launch event was networking over lunch. I struggle with networking at the best of times, I really struggle to approach people I don't know and start a conversations. That day I spend some time with people I know, but I got the feeling they would rather that I didn't spend as much time as I did with them. When the networking part of the event finished, we all retreated to the room where the launch was taking place. I sat right at the back (on my very own). The launch event lasted for about an hour, but it felt much longer than that. During the time the speakers were speaking, I started to mentally beat myself up. I started going over the failure to network with other professional and became more and more upset (not that anyone would have been able to tell). As the launch went on, I started to think about ending my life. I gave a lot of consideration to how it could be done at Farringdon Station. I could stand at the end of the circle line platform, and throw myself under the train as it approach the platform. The platform were tighter than at other station so I felt their wasn't anyway anyone could stop me. I consider this for what seem like hours. If I'm honest, I was probably trying to convince myself to do it. However part of me would have been guilty for taking three underground line out in central London near rush hour. In the end as the event ended I ran for the train and got back home within a couple of hours. That was the day on reflection I came closer to ending my life, but it never got within 30:70 of doing so.
Do I want to kill myself? Probably Not
Do I ever think about killing myself? Yes
I've decided to write about ending my life, because its something people don't seem to ever discuss. Its the dark side of Mental Health. As I mentioned in a earlier post, at the moment I'm feeling depressed, and during these period I give some consideration to ending my life.
Yesterday, I was in London for a meeting. I'm not sure how the meeting went, it will be something I refer to in a later post. Following the meeting, I didn't leave work immediately, I sad in a office to write some emails, not feeling great about myself. Their were other people in the office but little conversation took place. When it did I wasn't included within the conversation. Nobody chatted to me, and I didn't feel in a place to interrupt other people conversations so I ended up feeling rather isolated. At this point, knowing that my journey back home included using London Underground, I gave some through about whether I would take up the opportunity that presented itself on my journey home and end my life on the underground. Now I wasn't giving serious consideration to ending my life, but I was considering about how it could be done.
Later on, on the escalators up to Euston Station from the underground (which was packed and made me feel a little unnerved) I started to think about how I could kill myself at home. I knew I was off today, and nobody else would be at home from 7am to 9pm, so it would give me enough time to.... not be caught. I was thinking how I'd need to sort out the work stuff I have at home (I have three laptop I don't own, one of each job and a third for a charity I'm the Chair of). I would need to sort them into pile and leave contact details so my family could contact the required people they would need to (My two bosses, the CEO of the charity I chair, and the company secretary of the charity).
To be honest, If I died sudden I'm not sure any of my family would know who to contact. I think they barely know the names of the employers I work for, much less the name of the charity I'm the chair off (and have been involved in for over eight years). Maybe I don't speak about my life enough to then, but they don't really seem interested.
Anyway, back to suicidal thoughts, as I entered the concourse of Euston Station (which at the moment feel quite dark because of the new balcony they are building...... for a station they are plans to completely rebuild in the next 20 years..... why) I started to think about the effect on my family, and (as usually when I think through this) became really upset when I thought how they would feel after I taken my life and decided it was time to think about something else.
Thoughts about how I would end my life is something is something I give some consideration too often, especially when I'm feeling down. I never talked to anyone about feeling this way, and nobody ever told me they feel this way, so I believe this isn't a normal thought pattern for normal people, whoever they are.
Over the year I've considered many ways of ending one life, from hitting my head / drowning on a canal lock, suffocating myself at home, slitting my wrist/ neck (my less preferred options), jumping off various motorway bridges (including once giving it major consideration on Christmas Eve at 3am, whilst driving around on empty roads, fortunately that time one of the reason keeping me from doing anything was the fact I'd wrapped presents for family members but not put labels on them).
The closes I ever came to suicide was after an event in London. It was around two year ago and I was working for my previous employer. I was attending the launch of a Peer Support report. The venue was close to Farringdon station in London (which at the time was being renovated ahead of Crossrail arriving their). I had just returned to work.... after being bullied at work (well I now believe I was bullied). My self confidence was rather low at this time because of the bullying behaviour of my then line manager. The first part of the launch event was networking over lunch. I struggle with networking at the best of times, I really struggle to approach people I don't know and start a conversations. That day I spend some time with people I know, but I got the feeling they would rather that I didn't spend as much time as I did with them. When the networking part of the event finished, we all retreated to the room where the launch was taking place. I sat right at the back (on my very own). The launch event lasted for about an hour, but it felt much longer than that. During the time the speakers were speaking, I started to mentally beat myself up. I started going over the failure to network with other professional and became more and more upset (not that anyone would have been able to tell). As the launch went on, I started to think about ending my life. I gave a lot of consideration to how it could be done at Farringdon Station. I could stand at the end of the circle line platform, and throw myself under the train as it approach the platform. The platform were tighter than at other station so I felt their wasn't anyway anyone could stop me. I consider this for what seem like hours. If I'm honest, I was probably trying to convince myself to do it. However part of me would have been guilty for taking three underground line out in central London near rush hour. In the end as the event ended I ran for the train and got back home within a couple of hours. That was the day on reflection I came closer to ending my life, but it never got within 30:70 of doing so.
Welcome
Hi
After a few weeks of consideration I've decided to start writing a blog about my experiences of Mental Health. As you may have gathered from the title, I have anxiety, and I'm an involvement worker. Well I have two post, one is working in involvement for a prominent mental health charity. The second is as a engagement worker (a great job for someone who suffer from social anxiety). As you may have guest (from the previous sentence) I have anxiety.
I'm out as a suffer of Mental Health, and it something I have no problem speaking about.... well expect it is. I have a large problem speaking about my own mental health, how my own experience affect me. I lie about how I feel, including to myself. Recently I was reflecting on a situation in work, where I had started to come up with so many reason about why I was doing something, that I never reflected that a major part of the reason was because of feeling that had caused anxiety within me). I saw it as a failure within myself, that I couldn't even admit the real reason to myself. Even too as late a three weeks ago I was still justifying reason why I wasn't using my office which didn't admit to my anxieties.
For the last few weeks I've been feeling depressed. I put a lot of pressure on myself to run a great event at work, which didn't go so well at all and I've felt really down ever since. I've not slept very well. I'm writing today having taken the rest of this week off work (in my own AL) to get better.
From time to time, I'm going to write some thought about how I'm feeling, to share my experiences of mental health
After a few weeks of consideration I've decided to start writing a blog about my experiences of Mental Health. As you may have gathered from the title, I have anxiety, and I'm an involvement worker. Well I have two post, one is working in involvement for a prominent mental health charity. The second is as a engagement worker (a great job for someone who suffer from social anxiety). As you may have guest (from the previous sentence) I have anxiety.
I'm out as a suffer of Mental Health, and it something I have no problem speaking about.... well expect it is. I have a large problem speaking about my own mental health, how my own experience affect me. I lie about how I feel, including to myself. Recently I was reflecting on a situation in work, where I had started to come up with so many reason about why I was doing something, that I never reflected that a major part of the reason was because of feeling that had caused anxiety within me). I saw it as a failure within myself, that I couldn't even admit the real reason to myself. Even too as late a three weeks ago I was still justifying reason why I wasn't using my office which didn't admit to my anxieties.
For the last few weeks I've been feeling depressed. I put a lot of pressure on myself to run a great event at work, which didn't go so well at all and I've felt really down ever since. I've not slept very well. I'm writing today having taken the rest of this week off work (in my own AL) to get better.
From time to time, I'm going to write some thought about how I'm feeling, to share my experiences of mental health
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)