It's been a few days since I last posted on this blog. The truth is that in the last few weeks I have have not been feeling brilliant. My mental wellbeing at the moment is going up and down and many morning I'm struggling to get out of bed. The last few days I've arrived at work late, partly because I've not been able to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. I'm waking up feeling knackered, I'm struggling to get to sleep because I'm thinking about things that happen some time ago in my head
Recently thinking about an incident that took place at work two and an half years ago. It happened at my previous employer who I left 18 months ago. I've been going over a breakdown in a relationship that occurred there and trying to resolve what took place during that relationship, what were my action that contributed to the breakdown, because I'm somewhat petrified that I may have made mistakes that I will just repeating themselves again and again and again.
In the logical part of my head I knew that I will never be able to resolve logically what happened and probably won't find the answers that I'm looking for. This means I live in a source of constant anxiety that it could go wrong again.
When my anxiety gets really bad as it has done this week I struggle to make a decision. I make decisions then I change them very quickly and end up and not making decisions. Yesterday at work I went out for lunch, first I was heading to a shop then I change my mind and was heading to another shop. I've got to that shop and was parking and then found that I was quite anxious about getting out the car at that shop so ended up turning around and driving somewhere else. I probably was driving around for half an hour.
Later I needed to go out and get some toilet paper from the supermarket. This took almost 2 hours because where usually I have no problem walking into any supermarket, last night I was very anxious about which supermarket I visit. I started driving towards a supermarket in Bury then decided I wasn't going to go there was going to one in Oldham. So I'm driving for about 25 minutes to get to the supermarket in Oldham where as I was pulling to the car park I suddenly became scared about getting out my car at the supermarket and immediately heading towards another supermarket in Whitefield about half an hour down the motorway. It was like I was unable to make a decision I was just anxious about every little aspects but I don't know why.
It's similar to getting up in the morning. My alarm goes off at about 6:10 and the radio comes on. I immediately turn off the radio, when I'm not feeling great I struggle sometimes to listen to music I'd rather sit in silence with no distractions to effect my thought. I just sit there, feeling knackered and thinking about whether I should get up, but not being able to make that decision.
Eventually I get up, go to work. When I get in. I feel I don't really care about anything at the moment. I just lack any energy sure what I'm doing. I can't put the mask on, everybody as a mask. At time mine is appear very self confidence and assert, no , my mask is not to appear as anxious as I am, and to appear competent. I'm probably very negative at this time and making negative comments which upset people. I'm probably also very very sure with people can't really do with anything other than direct answers / responses (which the irony is I probably struggle to keep direct answers / responses at this time)
When I'm down I walked if I walk differently, I walk lacking confidence and I'm sure people can tell this.
When I was driving and I start to think about all the things I've got to do at the moment it seems like I have an infinite amount demands on my time and I can't really decide what I need to do so in many cases I just do nothing. I do question myself whether this is all down to me just being a lazy person. Maybe I am. Part of me thinks that someone who works two jobs and then is a trustee of the charity and is very dedicated to all those roles isn't lazy, but maybe I am.
To conclude at the moment I don't feel great. Next week I'm 29 (it my birthday). Right now I don't feel like celebrating anything, if I'm truthfully honest, it's bringing home that in twelve month time I'll be 30 and my 20s will pass by and I haven't achieved what I want to do within my life and I'm just feeling somewhat depressed about it. My career as probably gone okay but the other things in my life haven't, my lack of self confidence has probably affected affected my ability to do anything about it. Just really crap time really
No comments:
Post a Comment