Back to Work

Today I've gone back to work after taking a few days off last week to recoup from my difficult period. Things didn't start well, I got up late. It appears that if you've got your alarm clock plugged in, you need to make sure if the switch for power is actually on (I didn't last night). To be honest I was tossing and turning to around 2am anyway. I probably would have struggled to get up at full fitness at 6am anyway. I arrived at work an hour late.

If I have an addiction, and I probably have quite a few. I'm addicted to checking my work emails. I can do it multiple times a day even at weekends. I suppose this actions doesn't help me switch off. I decided therefore that when I went off on Wednesday that I would not check my work emails until I was back in work. This has been somewhat difficult however probably is a necessary part of my recovery.

This allowed me to ease back into work by checking my emails, and doing a to-do list of all the tasks I'm still required to do.

In work today, I was running a meeting in the afternoon, so the morning was spent preparing for this meeting getting back up to speed on the afternoon would be the meeting. It was during the meeting that I realised that I perhaps wasn't at an 100% yet. The meeting required me to do a lot of speaking, and because of my anxieties over previous meetings I wasn't completely self-confident. People who attended the meeting will notice that at times I was stuttering. This is something I can do at times when I'm not feeling hundred percent, I can confuse myself while saying a sentence (which can confuse others). In some ways I wish I could have taken a backseat within today's meeting however it wasn't possible.

Perhaps if I'd been feeling at my optimal wellbeing it would have gone better. Perhaps it wouldn't have done. I hope we achieved what we needed to within the meeting, even if I looks like I lacked focused, which I did.

Anyway I'm feeling better than I did last week and ready to move on to life's next challenges, however I am conscious at this point I'm not in the stage where can I hold an hundred thoughts (which perhaps I never can which is why often go on a cycle of feeling well then not feeling so well). Saying this doesn't remove the guilt I'm currently feeling that I'm not able to do as much as I was able to do a few weeks ago (and should be able to do in a few weeks time). I suppose that's one of the things with my distress is that compounds my distress. When I'm feeling low, I often can feel guilty for not being as productive as I can be, because I'm feeling low which makes me feel even lower.