Did that meeting go well?

As much as possible, I am not going to discuss what takes place within my job roles. I'm bound by confidentiality, and it would be unfair to people I work with to discuss them within this blog. I will talk about some generic stuff that links to my anxiety.

Earlier this week I had a meeting in London. This followed the event where things didn't go so well, and which I hold myself responsible for the failure.  Following this event, I lost some of my concentration, I struggled to sleep, the event was resonating in my head. If I'm truthful, I put so much of my soul and energy into the event, that following it not going so well I was totally exhausted.

However as they say, life must go on. On Wednesday, I took part in a meeting with colleagues. I had to leave early, and struggled to get to sleep the night before, things resonating in my mind. I arrived not in a great state. One of the corridors to the office I usually use was blocked, so I had to walk through an unfamiliar office, with unfamiliar people in it. This caused some immediate stress, as I had thoughts racing through my head that everyone who was in the office I walk through was watching me and questioning who I was (but they probably were not).

I sat in the office, before walking to a meeting room on the other side of the office. At the start of the meeting I was not feeling great, I was feeling anxious, and I was questioning whether I could contribute to this meeting. Once I got into the meeting room, as the meeting was starting I was really questioning my ability to contribute. However something flipped. In my mind I told myself that this was an important meeting and I needed to be able to contribute, so I got myself into a place where I was able to interject into the meeting (make my points). Whilst the meeting progressed I started to feel good and forget about my worries briefly. However things changed towards lunch. The meeting broke up for a lunch break and I returned to the office to look for some information.   

I was also hoping to get a drink during the lunch break. I didn't though. As I walked past the kitchen, I was able to see in that the kitchen was half full (it had about 10 people in it). Because of my anxieties I was too anxious to walk into the kitchen to get a glass and some water, so I simply return to the meeting room. When my anxieties are higher (during times of depression) I can struggle with walking into situations with a number of people in cross proximity.

I return to the meeting room and carried on the meeting. After the meeting finished, I went back to the office and started to think about the meeting. This is when I started to question how I performed in the meeting. Was I to aggressive, were people really pissed off with me, did I speak too much. Because I've been off work since this meeting I've not had an opportunity to speak to the people within the meeting to get their viewpoints on how it went.

As a write this, I'm not sure how the meeting went, because I'm not feeling great I could have been aggressive when I was trying to be assertive, this is common for people with anxiety issues. Worse still I've seen a TV programme says that someone fulfils the aggressive person within each team, and my the aggressive person within my team (I'd hate to think I was).

The meeting may have gone well, I'm not sure until I speak about it. However I did reflect on the meeting on my journey home, then lying in bed, the following day and the day after that.

I really worry that I offend people (which sometimes people with Asperger's can do, unwittingly) because the last thing I want to do is ever upset people, but I'm so fearful most of the time that I've unwittingly done so.