Am I Sucidal?
Do I want to kill myself? Probably Not
Do I ever think about killing myself? Yes
I've decided to write about ending my life, because its something people don't seem to ever discuss. Its the dark side of Mental Health. As I mentioned in a earlier post, at the moment I'm feeling depressed, and during these period I give some consideration to ending my life.
Yesterday, I was in London for a meeting. I'm not sure how the meeting went, it will be something I refer to in a later post. Following the meeting, I didn't leave work immediately, I sad in a office to write some emails, not feeling great about myself. Their were other people in the office but little conversation took place. When it did I wasn't included within the conversation. Nobody chatted to me, and I didn't feel in a place to interrupt other people conversations so I ended up feeling rather isolated. At this point, knowing that my journey back home included using London Underground, I gave some through about whether I would take up the opportunity that presented itself on my journey home and end my life on the underground. Now I wasn't giving serious consideration to ending my life, but I was considering about how it could be done.
Later on, on the escalators up to Euston Station from the underground (which was packed and made me feel a little unnerved) I started to think about how I could kill myself at home. I knew I was off today, and nobody else would be at home from 7am to 9pm, so it would give me enough time to.... not be caught. I was thinking how I'd need to sort out the work stuff I have at home (I have three laptop I don't own, one of each job and a third for a charity I'm the Chair of). I would need to sort them into pile and leave contact details so my family could contact the required people they would need to (My two bosses, the CEO of the charity I chair, and the company secretary of the charity).
To be honest, If I died sudden I'm not sure any of my family would know who to contact. I think they barely know the names of the employers I work for, much less the name of the charity I'm the chair off (and have been involved in for over eight years). Maybe I don't speak about my life enough to then, but they don't really seem interested.
Anyway, back to suicidal thoughts, as I entered the concourse of Euston Station (which at the moment feel quite dark because of the new balcony they are building...... for a station they are plans to completely rebuild in the next 20 years..... why) I started to think about the effect on my family, and (as usually when I think through this) became really upset when I thought how they would feel after I taken my life and decided it was time to think about something else.
Thoughts about how I would end my life is something is something I give some consideration too often, especially when I'm feeling down. I never talked to anyone about feeling this way, and nobody ever told me they feel this way, so I believe this isn't a normal thought pattern for normal people, whoever they are.
Over the year I've considered many ways of ending one life, from hitting my head / drowning on a canal lock, suffocating myself at home, slitting my wrist/ neck (my less preferred options), jumping off various motorway bridges (including once giving it major consideration on Christmas Eve at 3am, whilst driving around on empty roads, fortunately that time one of the reason keeping me from doing anything was the fact I'd wrapped presents for family members but not put labels on them).
The closes I ever came to suicide was after an event in London. It was around two year ago and I was working for my previous employer. I was attending the launch of a Peer Support report. The venue was close to Farringdon station in London (which at the time was being renovated ahead of Crossrail arriving their). I had just returned to work.... after being bullied at work (well I now believe I was bullied). My self confidence was rather low at this time because of the bullying behaviour of my then line manager. The first part of the launch event was networking over lunch. I struggle with networking at the best of times, I really struggle to approach people I don't know and start a conversations. That day I spend some time with people I know, but I got the feeling they would rather that I didn't spend as much time as I did with them. When the networking part of the event finished, we all retreated to the room where the launch was taking place. I sat right at the back (on my very own). The launch event lasted for about an hour, but it felt much longer than that. During the time the speakers were speaking, I started to mentally beat myself up. I started going over the failure to network with other professional and became more and more upset (not that anyone would have been able to tell). As the launch went on, I started to think about ending my life. I gave a lot of consideration to how it could be done at Farringdon Station. I could stand at the end of the circle line platform, and throw myself under the train as it approach the platform. The platform were tighter than at other station so I felt their wasn't anyway anyone could stop me. I consider this for what seem like hours. If I'm honest, I was probably trying to convince myself to do it. However part of me would have been guilty for taking three underground line out in central London near rush hour. In the end as the event ended I ran for the train and got back home within a couple of hours. That was the day on reflection I came closer to ending my life, but it never got within 30:70 of doing so.
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