This train doesn't have any row of seat space. I'll get off this train and wait for the next one

Recently, I've taken some decision that I don't know why, which I feel I've taken because I've not had a clear mind. Two weeks ago I was travelling back from Birmingham after an event which hadn't gone so well. I decided to take the train from Birmingham to Liverpool, switching at Crewe to the London to Manchester train. Part of the reason for doing this is that the train that goes directly from Birmingham to Manchester is usually standing room only. However even if there was a seat available next to an existing passenger I would struggle to sit next to them because I lack the self-confidence to do so.

So I got the train to Liverpool, where was able to get a seat. This train journey lasted about 50 minutes. And I was into Crewe at about 5.00pm. This train journey followed an event in Birmingham had gone off course and it turned into a disaster towards the end (A disaster I was largely responsible for). Even at this very early stage of depression, I could tell things were going round in my mind that I couldn't focus solely on the task in hand. I was starting to see that I wasn't thinking in a logical sense. 

Back to the train journey, I waited at Crewe for the train to Manchester I waited for about 15 minutes (the usually time) but had pop to the shop for a snake and drink (ending my diet effectively). The train from London arrived, and I boarded the train to try and get my favourite seat on the Virgin Pendolina (seat 37 & 38 in carriage D). No seats were available, well plenty of seats were free, but no rows were available. As a result, as quickly as I boarded the train I got off the train again and waited for the next train half an hour away. One of staff members at the station remarked on this, but I just ignored them because it kind of made me feel as stupid as I should've felt at this time. Before the train pulled away I knew it made a stupid decision, I was going to have to spend another half an hour at a train station and get on way to simple because there wasn't a row of seats available next to each other. When I was on the train though it seems like the only clear decision to be made. 

So I ended up getting on the train half an hour later, feeling more stupid than I did before, and feeling somewhat more the failure on a day when I didn't need to feel anymore of a failure than I already did. 

The same thing happened again yesterday. When leaving London I went straight for the train, found there wasn't a row of seat together and got off the train waited for the boarding of the next train (partly possible because virgin didn't have a barrier control at the  platform yesterday). I got after 5.00pm train, went for a drink and donut at the station (another great example of me keeping to my diet) and boarded for 5.20pm at boarding. That train didn't have any reservations on it on it, so it caused some anxiety whilst waiting for the train to see if  I could sit in the seat I had sat in. Not sure what I would have done if  somebody said that reserve the seats I was sitting in. 

When I got a station another decision almost caused me to freeze. I usually park my car in the station car park, and would pay for my ticket at the stations entrance before returning to my car. I was that these ticket machines had queue so I decided to use the machines by the lifts in the car park. However when I got that machine it wouldn't take credit cards, only cash. What to do next? I wasn't sure if if you could pay by card at the barriers, I know it used to be an option but I'm not sure if that change. I decided that I would I would try and pay at the barrier, however on the drive down to the barrier I became I became unsure. I also saw there was a queue for the ticket barrier, as one of the barriers was out of action. I Stastny can really panicky quite quickly what happens if I couldn't pay by card at the barriers. So I decided Palinte whisper parking space near the barriers and wait until the queue had cleared. The queue didn't clear for another 15 minutes, in which I start almost frozen in my car watching cars come down and join the queue. I was struggling to make a decision on what to do next, walk back to the station and pay for the ticket or try to pay at the barrier with a card. I was anxious about walking back to the station because I thought everyone would be watching me having drove to the bottom of the car park, walk back up to pay for the ticket. I also didn't want to be surrounded by anybody when I did try and pay for the ticket at the barrier in case it didn't work, as they would see me as a bit of a failure who was holding their evenings up. So I sat they're frozen in my car for 15 minutes. 

When the traffic to die down and I decided to see if I could pay at the barrier, when I spotted there was actually a pay station not 20 meters from where I was sitting. An option to escape had emerged. In the end I went and paid up backpay station I went and paid at the pay station and left the car park, but by then it was completely empty, the traffic had left.

If I haven't got so much going on in my mind I probably would've walked back to the station as soon as I realised I couldn't pay by the lifts, but because of the way I was thinking I just made a terrible decision and felt somewhat silly, and a failure afterwards.